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Lies

They start small. A whisper of a thought you’d swat away like you would a fly.

But before long that whisper builds. It becomes a giant chorus of lies.

It usually revolves around me. It sings my imperfections until I’m convinced I’m unlovable.

It shouts my failures until I can no longer withstand its onslaught. I roll over and accept I’m useless. A woman empty of purpose.

I’m laughable. I’m stupid. It’s all my fault. And the world hates me.

Lies. They’re lies.

Somewhere I’ve managed to internalise a laugh or a look, and turn it into something ugly. I tell myself it’s not real. But it sure feels real.

On good days, strong days, I don’t sink into that sticky tar pit. I cling to my husband’s words: “Aggie, don’t believe the lies.”

I somehow walk through it and get to the other side. Where I know I’m loved no matter what lies I tell myself. By my family. By God who gave me life.

On bad days, these truths are hard to see. But these are things I force myself to swallow.

  1. God is good. And he never ceases to be good.
  2. I am loved by my family, my friends, and by God who went to the cross for me.
  3. This pain shall pass. It may seem never ending but respite will come eventually.
  4. That Jesus is with me through this storm.

These truths are reinforcements against the bleakness. And I know even in the darkest night I am held. Even when I feel most alone.

Mercifully, the lies swamp me infrequently these days. I have come to see the joy that’s waiting for me at the other end.

Yes, I still have rough moments. But these days, after many lessons, I know them for what they are.

Lies.

Image by Alex Ivashenko on Unsplash

For Bloganuary – Day 23. What’s a lie you tell yourself?

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